David's Fables: The Beast Within

Cindy, a young woman from Iowa, has a problem. She has been feeling very nauseous for the last few weeks. She has tried to ignore it, but it has gotten worse, so Cindy has decided that she is going to have to visit a doctor.

Cindy: "I've been feeling nauseous"
Doctor: "No problem, we have a test to find out whats going on"

The doctor fiddles and foddles around a bit, and a short time later comes back with the test results:

Doctor: "Your test came back positive. Deep inside your womb a creature is growing"
Cindy: "What will happen?"
Doctor: "Unless we stop it, it will continue to grow over the next few months. If that happens, there is a reasonable chance that it could kill you."

Cindy ponders this for a few microseconds...

Cindy: "I'm convinced, how do we get rid of this thing?"
Doctor: "Well, its not that easy, the Hippocratic Oath forbids me from killing another human being"
Cindy: Excuse me? It also says that you can't perform surgery.
Doctor: Whatever, point is I won't kill a human.
Cindy: I never asked you to kill me.
Doctor: I'm talking about the life in your womb
Cindy: Are you joking? Its not at all human, its just a bunch of cells.
Doctor: It has human DNA
Cindy: So does my skin, watch me kill a few million of those guys.

Cindy proceeds to scratch her arm a bit

Doctor (fairly nonplussed): Your skin has the same DNA as the rest of you. The life in your womb has different DNA.
Cindy: It still has mostly my DNA.
Doctor: True, but its not the same, so you don't have the right to kill it.
Cindy: But its my body, don't I have the right to decide what happens to my body?
Doctor: Of course you do, unless I disagree with your decision. I can't abide a murder, so I'm afraid that you have to let the life in your womb grow.
Cindy: But you said it might kill me
Doctor: It might, but if we balance your possible death against the certain death of the life in your womb should we kill it, well, it's a no-brainer.

Cindy, a little flabbergasted, pauses for a bit

Cindy: Screw this, I'm leaving to find a doctor who will help me.

After a little bit of internet searching (ah, the modern age of medicine) Cindy finds a clinic that will help her out. Sadly, when she goes to the clinic, she finds a bunch of protesters hanging around, waving placards, chanting slogans, and generally making asses of themselves.

Protestor: Don't go in there! Look at what you are killing!

The protestor waves a blob of fleshy mass in poor Cindy's face

Protestor#2: And look, the operation is disgusting!

This protestor has some nice colour photographs of the surgery Cindy is about to undergo. (editor's note: the picture turns out to be one of liposuction, but facts rarely get in the way of a good gross picture).

Cindy: Why can't you guys just leave me alone?
Protestor: It is our duty to stop you from doing the wrong thing
Cindy: Who the hell are you to say that what I'm doing is wrong?
Protestor: (pulls out a copy of "Hanks Words, as dictated by Karl") it says so right here.
Cindy: I don't believe in that book
Protestor: I know, that's why you are going to hell.
Cindy: I can deal with that
Protestor: But why condemn the life inside you? What wrong has it ever done?

The police finally show up and escort Cindy into the clinic. The surgery is successful and Cindy is relieved to know that she has been cured of uterine cancer.

Nine months later, a protestor shows up at Cindy's doorstep and shoots her in the head with a shotgun in retaliation for killing the life that was inside her.

(Inspired by: Kissing Hank's Ass, a Religious Satire, can be found at the bottom of the page)